Court/Lawyer Jokes
In honor of the changing face of the United States Supreme Court and its impact on the legal system, here are some lawyer/judge jokes.

Did you hear about the two homosexual judges?

They kept trying each other.





A lawyer dies and goes to heaven where he meets St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.

Stammering in incredulity at his untimely demise, he grabs St. Peter and insists there has been some kind of mistake.

"I'm too young to die!" he yells, "I'm only 38 years old!"

St. Peter takes the lawyer's hands off him, straightens his robe and consults the Book of Life.

"I think I've found the problem," he says, "Judging by the number of hours you've billed, we thought you were 82."





How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?

A1: It only takes one lawyer to change your light bulb to his light bulb.

A2: None, lawyers only screw us.

A3: You won't find a lawyer who can change a light bulb. Now, if you''re looking for a lawyer to screw a light bulb...

A4: How many can you afford?

A5: Three. One to change the light bulb and two to keep interrupting by standing up and shouting "Objection!!

A6: 65. 42 to sue the power company for insufficiently supplying power, or negligent failure to prevent the surge that made the bulb burn out in the first place, 14 to sue the electrician who wired the house, and 9 to sue the bulb manufacturers.

A7: Fifty four. Eight to argue, one to get a continuance, one to object one to demur, two to research precedents, one to dictate a letter, one to stipulate, five to turn in their time cards, one to depose, one to write interrogatories, two to settle, one to order a secretary to change the bulb, and twenty-eight to bill for professional services.

A8: None, he'll have the paralegal do it. But, you'll get the following bill: Item Light bulb Charge $2185 (Itemization of bill charges) Lawyer's time (1 hr. minimum) $ 400 Connectivity charge $ 100 Staff charge $ 250 Secretary prepared bill $ 2 Research fee $ 422 Consulting fee $ 431 Paralegal processing fees $ 25 Specialized equipment $ 122 Bought bulb $ 5 Overnight express delivery $ 34 Rule 453.957(B)(1) charge $ 394 A10: Three. One to climb the ladder, one to shake the ladder, and one to sue the ladder company.





Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a prostitute? A: A prostitute stops fucking you when you're dead.

Q: What do you get when you cross a lawyer and a lesbian? A: A lawyer who won't fuck you.

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of shit? A: The bucket.

Q: What can a goose do, a duck can't, and a lawyer should? A: Stick his bill up his ass.

Q: What does a lawyer and a fag have in common? A: They both want to fuck you up the ass.

Q: How can you tell that an attorney is about to lie? A: His lips begin to move.

Q: How can you tell the difference between an attorney lying dead in the road and a coyote lying dead in the road? A: With the coyote, you would see skid marks.

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