Dear Fred,

I am writing today for advice regarding a situation I face every day at work. In order for you to fully understand my question let me provide you context by way of background. I work for a large international corporation in a professional capacity. There are around 200 other professional just in my department and we make up only a small portion of the people employed in the building. To say the least this is strictly a white collar building.

This brings me to my question. I work with a very large gentleman, we'll call him "Explosivo." He is well beyond three bills, to give you an idea, our offices are on the top floor our building and when he walks around it feels like and earthquake, albeit a small one, is hitting the vicinity.

Now there is nothing wrong with being large in general, this is further context for you, but this fellow also happens to be a filthy animal. We are required to wear identification badges at all times in our building as we are an identified target for terrorist attack. I have had the misfortune to observe "Explosivo's" badge up close during a meeting and it contains remnants of meals long since devoured. I could see a crumb or two, but this badge has a crust to it.

Sadly, all this isn't the worst of it, or the point of this letter. No, I am more concerned with the food that makes into his gaping maw, and through his digestive system. Here is the deal. "Explosivo" uses the restroom at least 10 times a day, and he never uses the urinal. That's right, at least 10 trips to the stall per day.

Now you may be thinking that he may just be urinating in the stall. No this is absolutely not the case. How do I know this? "Explosivo" is very loud when he uses the facilities. Every time I have had the misfortune of being in the vicinity when he arrives it is always the same. He storms in like a force of nature and catapults himself into an open stall. After a few moments of struggling with his enormous girth he manages to get his pants down and crash down on to the innocent porcelain of the toilet without mercy. All throughout this process his heavy breathing rivals the jet planes that frequently fly over our building, but as soon as the his cheeks hit the seat, he starts making noises out of two orifices at once. Obviously this creates some very awkward situations when you are standing at the urinal next to someone else, or washing your hands and someone else is in there, and it sounds like hurricane Dennis is hitting in the stall.

He very literally explodes into the bowl, and onto the seat, and rumor has it on several occasions the wall. Now I have no way to prove it is him, but I have walked into a stall in the past and seen "spray paint" on the wall behind the toilet, so I know someone is doing it. Additionally, someone has "finger painted" all around the toilet paper dispenser on more than one occasion.

As you can imagine this is not a pleasant working environment. Due to bad experiences I have taken to using a bathroom in a completely different part of the building. But here is my point, I shouldn't be the one who needs to go to a different area of the building. Isn't there a public bathroom code of conduct that needs to be followed. I know I only use the facilities if I absolutely have to, I take care of my business at my home base. Also, aren't you supposed to be as silent as possible as long as there are other people in the restroom and you are in sitting down? I guess I would like to know if there is something I can do about this situation, and also is there a code of conduct for using public restrooms? Any help would be great.

Bathroom Refugee

Dear Bathroom Refugee: Well your situation sounds like a very common one that I had experienced in the past in my place of employment. Yes, that's right readers I do have another job besides the Poon, to bring home some titty bar money, but I digress. The experience we had on the floor I worked on was that of someone we referred to as "The Slinger". The "Slinger" would spray the back of the toilet as if he were spray painting a bloody massacre that Charles Manson would be proud of and then sometimes not even flush, and then the times he would flush that wouldn't even take down the remains of the paste that would stick to the back of the toilet. He never shit on the back of the wall or finger painted his shit on the walls like it seems "Explosivo" likes to do there, but he would just pretty much put the toilet out of commission for the day due to the pasty shit stuck on the back of the toilet. I too would have to frequent a different floor in order to take care of business on these days just due to the fact it so happened to be my favorite stall this guy wiped out like a tsunami had just come through. We never did pin point who it was exactly though but have since gotten a good idea who it could have been because it hasn't happened as of late and it turned out one of the guys we had it narrowed down to no longer works for the company, so put two and two together and what do you get....that's right "The Slinger". This gentleman was always eating a weird diet of some weird nuts and clover leaves of some sort so I think that made his shit all pasty. I guess what I'm getting at is I feel your pain and I wish I had done something about it at the time and I can live vicarasaly now through you and see you get through this and let you get back to some normalcy over there. I looked into some Portland city law on the matter and have found this:



14A.50.110 Misuse of a Public Restroom.

A. This Section applies to permanent and temporary structures erected or placed for use as a public restroom.

B. It is unlawful to stand, climb, sit upon, or lay down on any fixture or floor located inside of or at the entrance of any restroom located in a public building or on public property, unless that fixture or floor is intended to be used for standing, climbing, sitting or lying upon.

C. It is unlawful for two or more persons to occupy any restroom that is specifically designed for use by only one person and that is located in a public building or on public property, unless one of those persons is assisting a handicapped person or persons, a child or children under 12 years of age, or an elderly person, or persons in need of assistance.

D. It is unlawful to interfere with any attendant in the discharge of his or her duties within any restroom located in a public building or on public property.

E. It is unlawful for any male person to enter a restroom marked "Women." This Section does not apply to a male child with his mother or female guardian, or an authorized person in the discharge of his regular duties.

F. It is unlawful for any female person to enter a restroom marked "Men." This Section does not apply to a female child with her father or male guardian, or an authorized person in the discharge of her regular duties.

G. It is unlawful for any person to engage in disorderly or disruptive conduct inside of or at the entrance to any restroom located in a public building or on public property.

H. The above requirements do not excuse a failure to provide reasonable and appropriate accommodations permitting all persons access to restrooms consistent with their expressed gender.

After looking through the line items above I cannot find anything where your co-worker "Explosivo" is in any violation of, however I do see that I have been in violation of five of the items back in my day at the University I had attended while residing in the dorms there one year. Yeah, in the section B violation above, things had gotten kind of heated one evening as the hot little number I was screwing at the time and myself took it to the showers one evening, but I see that by using the sink as a table of sorts before we took things to the shower we were in violation right there and then. Not only that but with her even making her way into the male restroom we were in violation of section F. The hottie and myself were also in violation of section C, E and G when we took it to the restroom on her wing one evening and ended up taking it to one of the stalls where we made out and fucked like rabbits. As we were leaving the restroom the RA was making her way in (which by the way she was hot as hell too and would have loved to of seen her naked but never had the privilege too) so I had the hottie hold the door shut for the time being so I could hide. The girl I was with then let her in after I was able to hide in the shower stall for the time being. Ah yes..... those were the days and again I digress.

My advice to you would be to go to Human Resources at your place of work and tell them about the situation. Something needs to be done about "Explosivo" and he shouldn't be allowed to continue shitting on the wall and finger painting it on the wall. I mean my god, this guy is a white collar professional and should at least act like such. To have food remains on your work badge for one is unacceptable but to then shit like your playing splatter ball ten times a day is insane to say the least. If he needs to shit ten times a day fine, but keep it respectable. Anyone that also takes the shit he splatters on the wall and then runs his fingers through it and finger paints is in my book a sick fuck and needs serious, serious help. I don't give a shit if this is taking place in his own home, the actions of taking your shit and painting things on the wall is in need of some help that only a professional can provide him. It also amazes me how he can grunt this crap out making the noises he does, especially with other living human beings in the bathroom at the time. My first approach would be to confront this co-worker but the hell with it....take it to HR and let them handle it from there and hopefully the restroom there can become a pleasant place again.