One prescient reader recently wrote the following:

Dear Unenlightened Critic:

I am an avid reader of the Grand 'Poon and your column in particular. I find your ideas stimulating and your social commentary insightful. I am somewhat puzzled, however, as to why you primarily talk about movies that were released two decades ago. I'm of the opinion that you don't watch any new movies. Is that the case? If so, why? I really liked that new picture where Tom Cruise fights the aliens. Did you see that one? What about the one where Batman saves New York from the Jedi and that guy who fought the zombies in England? I'd like to hear what you have to say about those movies. Or better yet I'd like to get your opinion on upcoming movies so I know whether to watch them or not.

/Stupid Reader/

I usually don't give much consideration to what my readers think, but this letter got me thinking. I hadn't, prior to this, realized the extent to which my readers depend on this column for guidance. With my readers in mind, I gave some thought to writing this month's "review" on the new Hitler movie Downfall. Considering, however, that I haven't watched this movie yet I decided to talk about something else.

In answer to your question Stupid Reader I do watch many of the new movies, but I am loath to write about them because they are such drivel. Here is what I will say about Batman Returns and War of the Worlds, two of the most anticipated movies of the summer.

Batman: I was happy that Cillian Murphy's penis was not prominently displayed as it has been previously. I did not like Katie Holmes because she was an insufferable virago. It suffered from a noticeable absence of Craig T. Nelson. Michael Cain was good.

War of the Worlds: This was the worst movie I've seen in a long time. Miranda Otto has always annoyed me and this is no exception. I was hoping for more savage Man* vs. Alien combat scenes. Sure they blow a bunch of stuff up, but where is the blood, the severed limbs, the broken bodies? Where are the horrors of war? I thought it was boring and I wish we could have actually seen Tom Cruise kill Tim Robbins with his bare hands. Heck, I'd like to see this in real life. It would be a show down of crazy ideologies-liberal whack-nutism vs. scientology. No matter who loses we win.

Watching all these movies lately has made me realize something...most movies, like men**, are bad. Perhaps I'll turn this column into a book review instead.

*Here I am using "Man" not as the neutered pronoun, but rather to refer specifically the male sex. The perspicacious read would know this without aid of a footnote, because women would be no good at fighting aliens.

**Here I am using "men" to mean all people. Again the savvy reader could very well assume this since the Unenlightened Critic trenchantly believes that women are equal to men in their sins as much are in their capacity for virtue.